Still off-center, but I think I know where it is now. Maybe.
I said last week that I was going to take some time and try to rediscover some sort of center or grounding or Zen; not quite there yet, but I feel a bit closer. More on that after some updatey stuff.
Mia is home from the vet, as I mentioned previously. She got her drainage tubes out yesterday, and we got the full-on pathology report: tumor will likely regrow, but we don’t know when. She continues to recover well, and in fact right now she’s mad because she wants out of solitary. She could go out, but she’s got open sores where the tubes were and the stitches are already considering tearing, so I think she gets two more days before she’s freed. I’m considering letting her out in my office later, but we’ll see.
I have turned in the first copy edit of Miles and the Magic Flute. It feels so, so good. But the end made me cry, a lot. I’m not sure others will have this reaction, but I sure did. I had forgotten how much I was talking to myself in that part. Of course, at the same time I worried I’d blathered too long with the end. Oh well.
Body stuff is markedly improved. The TENS unit is a godsend. Still having a lot of pain, but I know how to temper it now, and I’m able to exercise again, which is helping the pain go down even more. This is very, very good. In the past seven days I’ve also taken exactly one Vicodin. Voltaren continues, but there’s a lot less of it, and usually not until late afternoon/early evening. Skelaxin is hit and miss. But this is all progress, and it is good.
As for the Zen, what I’m trying to accept right now is that I can’t just work really hard, clear off things that need to get done and then go do the things I want. I have to reasonably assess the things needing to be done, and I need to include as part of this "things I want to do." It’s actually quite freeing in its own way. I can’t do it all, which is hard to accept, but this also means sometimes I get to NOT do things I really don’t want to, things I was doing because I felt I "should."
Hard for me right now is accepting, though, things I simply can’t. Like yard work. It’s warm, the earth is loamy and sweet, and I want to go and work in it. I can’t. Or, I can, but I have to have help, and there’s some things I just can’t do. Like, I can’t haul ten bags of mulch from Lowes into the truck, drag them out into the yard, and dump them. I dislike admitting that. I dislike admitting that I can’t just go to Earl May, buy a ton of flowers and go and plant them all when it works out for the weather. It has to work for my body too, and I might get part-way into the job and discover I have to give it up.
I am also angry at how difficult it is to clothe this damn body. I have fallen horribly between sizes again, and add my height to that and we have a real problem. If you’re tall but not rail-thin, if you have any fat at all, you can’t get jeans past March. Apparently fat girls don’t get to wear jeans in the summer? Did someone decide we’d get too hot? There are hardly jeans for talls at all, but add "bit extra in the belly" and forget it. I’m actually very, very angry about that, but it’s fruitless, because there’s no one really to be angry at. "The industry," which gets me nowhere. So this week I’m going to be very pissed off about how unfair this is, and I get to cry if I want to. I get to be upset at how hard it is to diet when your excerise is limited, about how unfair it is that I have to loose weight in order to find clothes, and that it’s scary because I might not be able to achieve this. This week that’s my right. Next week I’m done. And next week then I also have to get even more serious about the weight loss, because it’s the only way out I can see.
With that, I have to go and work on a smutty fairytale.