Somewhere between muses pondering & writer avoiding
I have not been writing.
I put in a good show April 17th, and that was it. Oh, I’ve had some good excuses. The day after that we had to put Blair down. The next day I had a release which had made me nervous even theoretically and then had about fifty things happen to and around it, so I was a screaming hot mess. I was (and still am) tracking down/waiting for a royalty payment which I desperately needed a week ago and am now getting really damn creative with how I make up for its absence. So there have been Things Happening. But mostly, I will admit, I have been fucking off.
The trouble is that while I’d theoretically like to finish up A Private Gentleman (WHY can that story not just finish? WHY?!) before doing anything else, the truth of the matter is that it’s not contracted while Temple Boy IS. And the problem with Temple Boy is that I have been avoiding writing it for two years, which is a hard habit to stop.
Actually, the story has a draft, which is the biggest problem. At this point I’m not entirely sure I’m going to do NaNoWriMo formally again, which is going to cause gasping to the south of me if any of them read this, but man, after five, six, however many times I’ve done this, I’ve gotten ONE draft I could use. The rest of them have been messes usually so bad I have to chuck it, and at this point I’m not sure that’s an indulgence I can afford, however fun it is. But we’ll see. The truth of the matter is, my muses don’t generally like to work on a timeline, and when you force them to one, it comes out in some sort of alien code that I can just barely understand and no one else could ever manage. And don’t even say, "Oh, you’re just being perfectionist." No. What I mean is that the first part is written from one point of view, then I go back, then I drop themes, then I start in the middle of scenes, then I shift the plot entirely, and then I write an end which I immediately is so very wrong I might as well delete it now. There was a time in my life it was good to push. That time is not now. If I push myself, I tend to trip and break my face.
This draft, though, is both good and horrible for the pushing. Some of the stuff is so fucking good that I kind of want to turn the computer over a few times, not sure it’s mine, because I had no idea I could do that. Some of it is really fucking weird. And what all of it is, sadly, is VERY difficult to break into. It needs fixing, but all I do is open the draft, walk around it with a confused look on my face, and then hurry away.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I broke up the first scene because it needed it, and then I added a sentence or two. In two years that is the FIRST thing I’ve been able to do to it. I had hopes I could do more today, but I spent a half hour talking to Amtrak, which was very important, but it shot the little bit of brain I had. I’ll try again tomorrow.
In the meantime, I’ll continue what I’ve been doing for the last two weeks: eating story. First it was a lot of books, and then Dan said, "Heidi, THE MONEY" and so I switched to hulu. I’ve been on a serious Angel bender. I don’t know what my muses are getting out of this, but they purr. A lot. And I’m still kicking around the Shakespeare class, chewing on it. (I’ve noted you all who said you were interested. Okay, it’s mental so far. But I swear.) But mostly I’m watching TV because it, unlike books, can be paid for in bulk and streamed. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE. I want to pay a flat monthly fee to stream books. I neeeeed this.
So that’s where I’m at. One sentence and a scene break in a week and a half, and a lot of story consumption. I’m refilling the well, being sad for my cat, being lazy, or all of the above.